Mom: Honey, honey. HONEY!
Dad: Yes sweetheart? Why are you yelling?
Mom: Well honey I was reading my new book-
Dad: How to Raise a Manly Husband?
Mom: No.
Dad: How to Make Your Husband Worship You As Much As He Loves Sunday Football?
Mom: No. However, that was a great read.
Dad: I’m sure it was. Especially chapter thirteen: Queso or Kickoff. Powerful.
Mom: I agree, but no. It is called, “Is My Son Sensitive? If Not Here’s How We Can Change It.”
Dad: Oh. So do you not think Kyle is sensitive?
Mom: No.
Dad: He’s as sensitive as me.
Mom: Hell no.
Kyle: No greater gift the summer before your senior year of high school than for your mom and dad to sit you down and tell you that they’ve set you up with a-
Mom: -“Super job”
Kyle: In my world anytime my mom says-
Mom: “Super!”
Kyle: It means that whatever is about to come after is going to be anything but freaking super. Then I look at my dad and he’s not even looking at me. Flashing red lights.
Mom: So Kyle your father and I were talking-
Dad: She was talking. I was asleep.
Mom: Hush up Darryl. Your father was…listening to me and we decided-
Dad: She decided, I was-
Kyle: Asleep. Got it dad. So basically whatever this is, Mom told you what was going to happen and you didn’t say anything?
Dad: That’s my boy.
Mom: We decided that you needed to work on your sensitivity.
Kyle: What? I’m sensitive. I gave Lauren a flower for our anniversary.
Dad: Nice.
Mom: Unacceptable! You’ve been dating her for three years. You really need to connect with your softer side.
Kyle: What? I watched a soap opera with you last week. (He goes into a melodramatic performance) “Oh Mrs. Beneveri I can’t believe that you don’t love me anymore. And after all we’ve been through: six divorces, three house fires, being brought back from the dead, seven children three of which were proven to not be mine in season eleven, seventeen and forty- three and now as I’m on my death bed, yet again and you don’t love me?” (Present)You have got to be joking.
